


The Whole Lime

by HeadphonesOn



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Compulsion, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, First Kiss, Humor, Jon is a lightweight, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Season 3, Seriously is debatable, Sherlock (TV) is mentioned, Truth or Dare, cause why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 01:21:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20498534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadphonesOn/pseuds/HeadphonesOn
Summary: Melanie has no idea how Martin talked the Archival staff into playing truth or dare.





	The Whole Lime

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I will get back to Wolf 359 fics soon, but I have been tempted to write something for the Magnus Archives for a while now. It's such a terrifying, heart-wrenching podcast, filled with unsettling description and in-depth looks at fear and human emotion- so I wrote a crackfic. Enjoy, you monsterfuckers!

"Alright, who's going first?"

Melanie wasn't sure how they'd all been talked into playing Truth or Dare. The game didn't even seem Martin's speed, but not only had he suggested it, he'd convinced the full archival staff to join. For Melanie personally, he'd bribed her with drinks. Tim had probably agreed out of curiosity and a desire to spite Elias, but she had no idea how Martin had gotten the rest of them. Basira and Daisy didn't seem the group game type, and Melanie had done a literal spit-take when she saw Jon in the circle. But there they were.

"I'll start," said Tim. He leaned back and cracked his knuckles. "Boss: truth or dare?"

"It goes in a circle, Tim. You start with the person on your left," Martin explained. Tim shot him an annoyed look. He'd probably been gunning for a chance to humiliate Jon.

"Melanie: truth or dare?"

_ Fuck.  _ She'd forgotten which direction was left.

"Dare." Melanie tried to mentally prepare herself. Tim had probably played a lot of truth or dare in his lifetime. He had an evil gleam in his eye.

"I dare you to record a fake statement and add it to the archives."

"That doesn't sound bad," Melanie retorted. It didn't. She was great at writing ghost stories and great at pissing off Elias. The dare was a chance for her to put her talents to use.

"No, you don't get it. You're going to record a statement that  _ I wrote, _ " And he reached behind him and pulled a manila folder from his work bag. "I was hoping for Jon, but you'll do."

Melanie swallowed back her fear and opened the folder. Inside were a few pages that upon inspection, were written like a script. The title read-

"STATEMENT OF JONATHAN SIMS, REGARDING A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH A BIG FLOATING EYE"

STATEMENT TAKEN DIRECT FROM SUBJECT

Melanie, of course, read this out loud.

Tim burst out laughing, his chest heaving as he put his head in his hands. Basira chuckled quietly, while Daisy gave disgusted looks to Tim, Melanie, and Jon all in turn. Martin blushed and Jon immediately began sputtering and blinking rapidly. His eyes locked on Tim, who was almost in tears.

"That- what is that?! It's not- how could- workplace appropriate- no-" Jon tumbled over sentences and moved to grab the script from Melanie. She held it away from him, flipped the page, and read-

I was enticed by it's stare. This was the god I served and it was so beautiful. I knew I had to please it. I wanted it to see my soul bared, and maybe my ass as well-

At this point Melanie broke off laughing, holding the papers close to her chest to keep them from Jon's grabby hands. Daisy was also cracking up now, and Martin looked horribly uncomfortable. Tim wiped his eyes.

"You'll need to change the 'taken direct from subject' part," he said, "And you need to record the whole thing."

"This is completely unacceptable!" Jon was beet red. He'd given up on fighting Melanie for the papers and was shaking in his seat.

"It's truth or dare, Jon," Melanie replied, "What did you expect? Now shut up and let me read your eyeball erotica."

A recorder clicked on. The group, even Jon, quieted down as Melanie continued.

The eye-connector-bits wrapped around me, me practically melting into their grasp as the eye began to undo my-

*****

When the recorder switched off, Melanie almost burst into tears of laughter. Tim started clapping, with the others quickly joining in. The only one who seemed unhappy was Jon, who cowered in the corner looking sick. Melanie thought she heard him mutter something about anatomically impossible acts.

Tim took the tape and labeled it  _ Jon's Sexy Eyetimes.  _ He threw it into a cabinet and sat back down like nothing had happened.

"So who's next?"

Jon groaned from the corner.

Melanie looked to her left and saw Daisy.  _ This is gonna be great. _

"Daisy: truth or dare?"

Daisy glared at Melanie. "Dare."

_ Shit.  _ Melanie had hoped she'd choose truth. Dares were hard. She racked her brain for the dares she would use when playing during late nights with the Ghost Hunt UK crew.

"I dare you to let me go through your phone's camera roll." Daisy's face briefly flashed with fear before returning to a stony expression and pulling out her phone.  _ Perfect.  _ Melanie took the phone, scrolling through pictures while Tim, Martin, Basira, and a weary Jon peered over her shoulder. Daisy's camera roll was mostly pictures of important papers, a few pictures of Basira in uniform but nothing interesting. Melanie felt a little let down and was about to hand back the phone when she heard Martin gasp.

"Is that-" Daisy looked pale.

"It is…" Tim whispered in awe.

"I downloaded it on accident," Daisy growled, moving to grab back the phone, but Melanie moved to quick for her and Martin tapped at the screen. His eyes grew wide.

"Then why are there so many?"

Daisy looked ready to slit Martin's throat. Sensing this, Basira grabbed Daisy's hand and held it tightly. 

"I don't get it, who are they?" Jon seemed very confused about the whole ordeal.

"I'm not judging you, Daisy," Martin said, though he looked like he was holding in laughter, "I just...didn't expect it."

"Everyone has had Johnlock fanart at some point," Tim reassured Daisy, "It's a rite of passage as a person."

Melanie scrolled through the impressive collection of fanart and gave Daisy a glance.

"What a library. Tell me, do you look at these while before the hunt or after? Wait, or  _ during? _ "

Daisy, moving faster than Melanie could stop, grabbed back the phone and shoved it deep in a pocket of her cargo pants.

"Basira: truth or dare?" she asked.

"Truth," said Basira. Daisy thought for a moment before responding.

"Ignoring me- who here would you choose to snog?"

Basira, without hesitation, responded "Martin."

"W-w-w-" Martin tried to start, but Basira cut him off.

"Jon and Melanie would be angry, and Tim would probably tell everyone I know. Plus, you're soft. I can appreciate that."

_ Then why are you with Daisy, of all people,  _ wondered Melanie. She ignored the little disappointed voice in her brain that wanted to tell Basira that she wouldn't be angry about a snog.

"Jon: truth or dare?" asked Basira nonchalantly while Martin still stared at her in shock.

"I don't want to play." Jon looked like an angry child with his arms folded and legs up in his chair.

"Come on, Jon," Martin said, "It's not fair that you get to watch and not play."

"I mean, his job is literally to watch," Melanie pointed out. Bringing up his archivist duties seemed to bring Jon over.

"Truth."

"What's the story of your most recent time blackout drunk," asked Basira. Jon shuddered. Martin's eyes widened. Tim smiled menacingly. Melanie secretly clicked to her voice recording app and turned it on.

"Well," he started, "I was going to have a normal evening- leave the archives, take the Tube home, get a good night's rest before the weekend started. But at about 8 at night, I was finishing my work for the day. I had made several new tapes, and had recently started a new drawer in the filing cabinet for them, so-"

"Speaking of statements, this isn't one. We don't need your life's story, Jon. I want to hear how you got sloppy drunk, not your organization skills." Melanie got impatient. Jon looked away awkwardly and carried on.

"Tim somehow convinced me to go for drinks with the other assistants. So it was Tim, Martin, Sasha and I. We went to the place a few blocks down with the pun name-"

"Shots of shots, it's not a very good pun but their happy hour is dirt cheap," Tim added

"Yes," Jon sighed, "the shots were cheap and Tim was feeling generous, I suppose, because we ended up with a lot. I remember taking a few to calm my nerves and the next thing I know, I'm on the cot in the archives with lukewarm tea and a note from Martin telling me that my shirt was in artifact storage."

_ Holy shit.  _ Melanie looked at Tim expectantly. Tim looked happy to deliver.

"I got tequila, see? With lime slices for chasers. Jon goes and drinks around four and then starts grabbing the limes off of all the others. Started shouting about needing to eat 'the whole lime'. Poor man really wanted the whole lime. Well, at this point I'm pretty sloshed so I don't remember all of it but Jon starts trying to steal things from behind the counter and we get kicked out. And he somehow makes it out having stolen a corkscrew, which he starts digging into the ground to 'kill all the worms'. Martin can barely stand straight but he's all 'Jon let me take you home poor baby' and Jon takes off running down the street. Martin goes chasing after the bastard and keeps crashing into things and when we finally catch up with him, he's puked all over the side of a flower shop and demanding we go back to the bar for a refund. I think I ended up kissing him at some point after that, but I was pretty wasted so I'm not sure. Sasha was the designated driver and took us back to the archives because Jon was too drunk to remember his own address and Martin was sleeping in the archives at the time. And once we're inside Martin starts trying to make tea but it's spilling everywhere and Jon insists on drinking a cup, and he makes an even worse mess. Sasha went to get him towels to clean the tea off his shirt, but he just rips it off like a male stripper given the best tip of his life-"

“I could do without the commentary,” Jon muttered into his hands.

“And Martin looks like he’s seen the face of God, and then I pass out against the sink and the rest of it is lost to history.”

By the end of the story, Martin dropped his face into his hands and Jon was frozen in place looking ashamed to exist. Melanie looked at Jon, with his stupid button-up buttoned to the top button ( _ who does that? _ ) and tried to imagine him stripping. Or drinking. Or anywhere but a professional setting. It wouldn’t quite click in her mind. At the last second, she remembered and shut off the recording. Maybe she’d turn it into a statement to trick Jon into reading it.

Jon was still shaken, wringing his hands like he was trying to break the fragile bones, but he took a deep sigh and turned to Martin.

“Um, truth or dare?” Jon asked.

“Truth, I think?” Martin responded.

“So truth.”

“Yeah, I think.”

“You think? It’s a yes or no, Martin.”

“Well-”

“He picks truth,” Tim loudly interrupted, “Get on with it.”

Jon looked terrified. Melanie was pretty sure Jon had never looked that afraid before, a bit odd considering his employment. The stress of coming up with a good, prying question for truth or dare is real, though. Melanie expected him to go for a standard one,  _ who in this room do you like the least, what’s the worst thing you’ve done for money, who was your first kiss- _

“Have you ever had a fruit?”

The room went quiet.

“Yes.”

The room erupted. Melanie turned to Jon and, through laughter, told him exactly how  _ utterly stupid  _ that question was, with Tim chiming in to further the blows. Daisy and Basira both looked confused and amused in equal measure and were saying something inaudible from over Melanie and Tim. Martin just looked uncomfortable. Poor man probably didn’t know whether to defend Jon or join in.

“I’m- I’m not a party games person,” Jon said over the noise, “I just said the first thing I thought of!”

“And the first thing you thought of was fruit?” Tim retorted.

“Well, it seemed non-invasive enough!”

“Non-invasive? Did you miss the entire rest of the game?”

“I just- it was a simple question and it’s what my brain provided me!”

“Well, it’s a dull question! Everyone’s had a fruit!”

Suddenly, Jon’s voice deepened and his eyes locked on Tim.

“Tim, have you ever had a fruit?”

“No.”

The room fell silent again. Tim looked down, then up at Jon in muted horror. Jon’s eyes widened, and Melanie realized-

“You just fucking Compelled me!”

Tim was suddenly shaking mad: the look on his face could only be described as livid. Melanie was ready to nope the fuck out when Martin spoke up.

“Wait- you’ve never had a fruit? Not even an apple or something?”

Tim’s face reddened like an apple.

“How-”

“Can we move on?” Tim looked horribly uncomfortable while the rest of the team looked confused. The confusion furthered when something occurred to Melanie.

“Wait,” Melanie interjected, “In Jon’s drinking story, you had limes, didn’t you?”

“Limes are fruit?”

“WHAT?” Jon looked affronted. “Of course limes are fruit! Did you really think limes weren’t fruit  _ so hard _ that you got around compulsion?”

“No one told me limes were fruit,” Tim grumbled.

“Okay, moving on.” Basira was done with Tim’s failures. “It’s Tim’s turn.”

“Our boss’s mindrape fruit question was my turn,” Tim argued, “He needs to ask Martin a better question before anything else.”

Jon moved to argue, but seemingly thought better of it. “Martin: truth or dare?”

“Um, truth again, I suppose.”

The room was quiet for a moment while Jon thought until finally saying-

“Who was the last person you had a crush on?”

_ Oh god.  _ Melanie shot a horrified glance at Martin, as did everyone in the room, as Martin, with no hesitation, went “You.”

Tim let out a low whistle, the only sound that cut the silence. They looked at each other terrified, Martin very red and Jon very stiff, until-

“I’m so sorry, Jon! I didn’t- I don’t- I mean-”

“Oh, well- I didn’t mean to- um-”

“No, it’s- well-”

“I’m sorry, Martin- compulsion- I-”

Melanie, for one, was glad Martin’s crush was finally out in the open. The fact that Jon hadn’t caught on until now was surprising and tore Martin apart, the poor man. Even as the two stumbled over apologies, Martin looked like a weight was lifted. His eyes were bright and he was leaning forward towards the Archivist, even as he looked afraid. And-  _ woah, that’s unexpected. _

Jon leaned in too. Their faces nearly collided, they both pulled back, and then they truly went in. Right in front of the full team of assistants, Jon pulled Martin into a snog. It was cute, if a bit gross, to see Martin’s dreams come true. Melanie wondered if this had been Martin’s plan with setting up truth or dare all along. 

“You jealous of Jon, Basira?” Tim chided, “You did say you wanted to snog Martin.”

“Oh, shut up,” Daisy replied before Basira even opened her mouth, “You’re just happy that something’s a bigger shock than your fruit incident-”

“Shut it, Cumberbitch!”

“Hope the big floating eye gets you-”

_ Alright, I’m out.  _ Melanie stood up, shot a wink at Martin, and left the room. Even walking down the hallway and up the stairs, she could hear shouts about tequila shots and eyeballs. The researchers upstairs must’ve been entertained.

  
_ Hell, at least they’re not mad about work for once,  _ thought Melanie as she closed the door to the stairs to the archives.

**Author's Note:**

> Tim having never eaten fruit is an inside joke (with no real explanation) between a friend and I. I don't have easy explanations for the rest.


End file.
